Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I have so many questions.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.