tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon