I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.