SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Dishonest mechanic?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family