people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]