First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.