Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Ape together strong
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny