Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt