hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
hmmm
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
*scroll*
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*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
multitasking lunch
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Oh we’ve met.