2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My Plans 2020
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.