Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
house sitting!
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Strangers have the best candy.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon