*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink