So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding