Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME: