Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.