Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed