Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
wow
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.