I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall