Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.