My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !