That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”