T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
choose your fighter
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.