If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
How to woo a woman
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?