“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
why I oughta
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese