Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”