Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror