I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
You Might Also Like
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Why font matters.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.