You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.