♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Are you a cat person or a person person?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Love it! 👍😂
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.