Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Sharon I have some bad news
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Discuss
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.