I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Customer is always right
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.