“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool