no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george