Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
bears
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*