My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Well, shit
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My dog learned how to text
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My circle of trust is a meatball
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Born to be mild.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.