Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
*watches the world burn*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.