I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
and now we wait
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets