We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me too 😆
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.