Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
#damn
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?