[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
This classic never gets old . . .
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Home is where your toilet is.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.