[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!