DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.