Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.