Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
You Might Also Like
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.