*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.