Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me