INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
You Might Also Like
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?