I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
🙄😏😂🤣
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy