I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Please do it!
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere