It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn